


Conventional, but Not Comfortable

by serratedpearls



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Asexual Agender Jongdae, Asexual Genderfluid Baekhyun, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Misgendering, Other, Pronoun Angst, Queer Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-08-20 06:16:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8239042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serratedpearls/pseuds/serratedpearls
Summary: to he or not to he, that is the question





	

**Author's Note:**

> please consider checking out aaaexo.tumblr.com if you're into ace/aro/agender representation in exo fics :)

Baekhyun is the most beautiful when he’s crying of laughter, Jongdae thinks, especially when the reason for that laughter is Jongdae.

It’s Friday night, and they’re sitting on the floor with the remains of dinner spread between them. They’re both only about halfway through their second beers, but Jongdae’s tired enough from the week to feel drunk already, and apparently, he’s also tired enough to be acting drunk already. Luhan, Jongdae’s roommate, is out partying like the cool kid he is, and Jongdae’s glad not for the first time that the week ends with Baekhyun’s laughter.

Baekhyun’s phone rings suddenly, and he picks it up with still-shaky fingers.

“Hello?” he squeezes out between hiccups.

Jongdae decides this is a good time to lie down. It’s unfair that every angle is good for Baekhyun, and Jongdae’s just thinking this when Baekhyun’s words finally register in his brain.

“...yeah, he’s just lying here. It’s been a long week, wrapping up midterms and all…” Baekhyun flashes a grin at Jongdae, poking soft cheeks teasingly.

Jongdae smiles back, but feels a slight, creeping uneasiness.

 

Luhan’s very excited about the guy he slept with last night, as Jongdae is unfortunate enough to find out.

“He has an amazing body, Jongdae, and he has this dimple oh my god. The things I want to do to him when we’re sober… .”

Jongdae sighs and pulls the comforter in tighter. It’s going to be a long day.

“—and he’s coming by in ten minutes!”

Jongdae just looks at Luhan and sighs again, wondering how someone can get so drunk but still be so energetic before noon the next day.

Soon enough, there’s a knock, and Luhan bounds over, wrenching the door slightly too hard in his enthusiasm and accidentally knocking over a stack of Jongdae’s books.

“Fuck,” Luhan picks them up, shoving them haphazardly back into place, and blushes.

Jongdae just snorts and pulls the blankets higher, greeting the boy in the doorway with a small wave of just fingertips.

He introduces himself, saying his name’s Yixing, and then he smiles. Jongdae sees the dimple, quietly decides that this dimple is absolutely divine, and not so quietly informs Luhan that Yixing’s out of his league.

Luhan just splutters and shoves Yixing out the door. Before the door shuts, Jongdae hears Yixing stop laughing long enough to tell Luhan, “Your roommate’s amazing. I might like him more than you, actually.”

At this Jongdae smiles, pleased, but suddenly feels slightly nauseous.

 

Today Baekhyun’s dressed up, lavender sundress paired with her favorite silver rings. Intent on enjoying the beautiful weather, she drags Jongdae to the university gardens. There’s a lot of homework left, but Jongdae lets her, knowing that these couple weeks between spring’s constant rains and the summer’s baking heat are her favorite time of year, and it won’t be long before they’re stuck inside to keep from actually burning.

Jongdae can’t help but admire Baekhyun, who’s practically blinding in the sunlight. Her hair and fingers flash cheerily as she skips ahead of him, twirling in the light breeze. She pauses, waiting for Jongdae to catch up, and as soon as they’re within arm distance, she links their fingers and tugs.

“Come on! It’s so nice out, Jongdae, and the flowers are going to be so pretty!!”

Jongdae laughs and, acquiescing, squeezes her hand before following eagerly.

 

They lay out a blanket, and Baekhyun immediately lies down, pulling Jongdae down with her. She slumps inwards, leaning into a strong chest and letting out a soft sigh when Jongdae wraps an arm around her waist, fingers tracing circles into her hip.

“You’re the best boyfriend ever,” she whispers happily, eyes closing and smiling like a cat on a warm windowsill.

Jongdae stiffens.

Baekhyun’s eyes snap open, immediately aware that something is wrong. She sits up, watching Jongdae’s face carefully, and waits for an explanation.

Deep breath, Jongdae thinks, waiting for the bitter taste to dissipate.

“I guess I just… I don’t know why, but I just really don’t feel well when people refer to me as a guy, even though I am one, you know? I’ve never had a problem with it before, but in the past few months it’s just started feeling like…” Jongdae trails off, unsure how to adequately and accurately describe his discomfort. “I guess it’s kind of like when people sit down to eat lunch with you and take your food without asking just because you usually offer them some of your chips or something, if that makes sense?”

Baekhyun tilts her head a little, studying her best friend.

“Have you ever considered that maybe you’re not male?”

Jongdae's eyebrows furrow. “But I… am?”

Baekhyun sits up completely at this, crossing her legs and smoothing her dress down. Keeping her eyes trained on Jongdae’s face, she gently takes Jongdae’s hand, which had fallen off her waist at her movement, in both of hers and curls and uncurls the fingers absentmindedly.

“Jongdae,” she says quietly, and Jongdae’s eyes lift back up to meet hers. “What you just described is almost exactly how I felt at the very beginning. People using he/him pronouns for me started feeling like an assumption, a standard that I didn’t feel adequately addressed who I was as a person. Maybe you’ll find after a while that you really don’t mind the pronouns, and maybe you’ll decide you don’t want to identify as male anymore. Maybe you’ll keep identifying as male for the rest of your life, but you’ll decide you want different pronouns. Maybe you’ll realize you want some other way to identify yourself, and maybe you won’t ever want to box yourself into a defined identity. All those things are okay, understand? You don’t need to decide anything right now, obviously, but I’m always here for you, and if you want to stop using he/him pronouns for a while to see how that works, you should know by now that I’ll stand by you.”

There’s a moment of silence, but then Jongdae exhales shakily and wordlessly drapes an arm around Baekhyun to pull her back. She smiles softly, snuggling herself closer and hugging Jongdae tightly.

“Thank you, sweetheart,” Jongdae breathes, eyes closing before pressing a cheek against Baekhyun’s hair.

 

After this exchange, Baekhyun starts referring to Jongdae with only terms of endearment, but it’s the next day when the extent and intensity of his dedication to this practice makes itself known.

Baekhyun sits down to eat lunch with Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, and Jongdae’s right behind him when he says casually, “Have you seen Jongdae? I haven’t seen my sugar plum all day.”

Chanyeol’s entire face scrunches up in confusion, but Kyungsoo just raises an eyebrow, seeing Jongdae’s entire face turn a violent shade of pink. When Jongdae pulls out the chair next to Baekhyun, Baekhyun’s whole face lights up, the glee in his eyes all too obvious to Jongdae.

“There’s my little angel dumpling!” he exclaims.

“Oh my god,” Jongdae says in bewilderment, eyes wide. The terms of endearment Baekhyun had used the afternoon before had been so tame, so ordinary. What happened to “sweetheart” and “cutie”?

But then Jongdae sees the vaguely disgusted looks Kyungsoo and Chanyeol have and turns back to see Baekhyun lowkey putting on his best Puppy Eyes and relents.

“It’s been so long, my darling gum drop. I missed you!” As the words sit in the air, Jongdae fights to keep a straight face.

Thankfully, Baekhyun replies quickly, and through lunch, they make a game out of who can come up with the most saccharine, ridiculous nickname, and by the time they need to get to class, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo look like they might be physically sick.

After they split up, Jongdae walks with Baekhyun to his class, sneaking an arm around his waist and leaning in. Baekhyun just grins at the quiet “Thanks, darling,” and turns his head to press a kiss to Jongdae’s cheek.

“It was honestly my pleasure. We should make that a regular thing,” he says happily.

“I mean I’d kind of prefer to never find out if Kyungsoo can murder us with a plastic fork,” Jongdae says, laughing.

“A good point, but I raise you the look on his face today when you called me your ‘snuggly ooberry’.”

At this, Jongdae actually collapses on Baekhyun, laughing so hard that Baekhyun can’t hear as much as feel the laughter resonating through them both. He takes that as Jongdae’s agreement.

 

A few weeks later, Jongdae’s lying on a blanket spread out on the green, head pillowed on Baekhyun’s lap. They’re celebrating the beginning of summer and the end of finals, and Baekhyun’s just pulled out her favorite book when she feels fingers twisting through hers. Smiling, she looks down at Jongdae, who presses a soft kiss to the inside of her wrist. Baekhyun can’t help the smile that spreads across her face, and she sets the book down in favor of playing with Jongdae’s hair, admiring the way the sun glints off black silk.

“I think you were right,” Jongdae says a few minutes later, breaking the silence.

“Hm?” Baekhyun raises her eyebrows, fingers drifting down to trace a sloping nose. Her eyes wander over Jongdae’s face, meeting dark chocolate eyes after passing over soft eyelashes kissing high cheekbones.

“What you said a while ago about identifying as male and all that. I really liked not using he/him pronouns, and I’ve been doing more thinking and researching on gender in general. I’m not completely sure, but I think maybe I don’t consider myself male anymore.” Jongdae speaks while playing with one of Baekhyun’s hands, tracing the lines on her palm and fingers.

Baekhyun just smiles gently. “I’m glad you’ve come to this conclusion, my cutie cuddle-kins,” she says fondly.

When Jongdae pouts and throws her hand away, she laughs and reaches out to link their fingers again. “In all seriousness, though, I’m really glad you’re figuring this stuff out. Do you know what pronouns you want to use?”

“I don’t really know. I considered every pronoun I could find, but none of them felt right. I guess I just don’t really like pronouns in general, if that makes sense? They all feel wrong somehow, like I could imagine calling other people by those, but it just didn’t feel like I’d be talking about myself if I used them. Which isn’t at all an answer, but I guess I don’t really have an answer. Maybe they?”

When Jongdae looks up, Baekhyun’s just smiling that soft, fond smile that always makes Jongdae wonder how something so small can warm a heart so completely.

“Whatever makes you the most comfortable. I love you whatever you use, and make sure to let me know I’m making you uncomfortable or if anyone else is making you uncomfortable. I’ll beat them up for you,” she adds with a wink.

Jongdae just laughs and pulls her in for a kiss, fingers reaching up to stroke warm cheeks.

 

Two weeks later, Jongdae changes the gender on Facebook to read “Agender”.

 


End file.
